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When Discipline Backfires


A lot of us were raised in a way where discipline was something that someone did to you, not something that you did in collaboration with someone else.


When discipline happens in collaboration with someone, for example, a parent-child relationship, they foster, in you, skills and characteristics that will lead you to the life that you desire.


Why? because learning how to emotionally regulate, problem-solve, think critically, practice empathy, have boundaries, develop grit, and so forth, is developing self-discipline.


Did you catch that? Discipline done in collaboration becomes self-discipline. So, it isn’t something that someone should be doing to you.


It is something that someone should be doing with you so that you can develop self-discipline your way.


So our kids can develop it their way, without us having to become a broken record.


For such a long time, parents have treated discipline like punishment and wonder why their children have no internal motivation.


Why would you develop internal motivation if everything was incentivized for you by an outside force, which is known as extrinsic motivation? Incentives like, not getting yelled at, hit, things taken away from you, sent away to be by yourself, and so on teach you that your livelihood is tied to how well you can please someone else.


Intrinsic motivation comes from being treated as a team member, taught problem-solving skills, encouraged to think critically, given safe and proactive spaces to fail, and fostering this resilience throughout your developmental years.


You can certainly develop intrinsic motivation down the road or even despite how you were raised, but it takes a whole heck of a lot more work to undo 18 years of conditioning.


So, if you think that you perpetually lack discipline, check in with your self. How were you raised?


Was it with punishment or discipline, extrinsic, or intrinsic motivation? Check-in with your body, how does the word discipline make you feel? Can you reframe it in a way that gives you some power back or do you prefer to release it all together, there is no wrong answer, just awareness of what is coming up for you and why. That is your homework assignment. I want you to sit with your relationship with discipline.


What motivates and encourages you? Is it fear, or is it divine purpose? Is it love and joy, or is it ego and shame? Once you take some time to sit with and unpack that, I want you to reflect on how you can shift this relationship of discipline with your family?


Lastly, if you find yourself saying, “Yeah, Krissy, that sounds great, but how?


My course Reimagine, Recreate, Rebuild, is Relaunching at the beginning of August. I hope to be able to walk with you and give you tangible tools for this journey; we need each other; no one should parent without support.


The course is four weeks long, self-guided comes with a workbook and is all yours forever. If you want it, get ready because I cannot wait to hear all about how the course is impacting you and your family. See you soon, friends!



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there's a unique and too easily ignored intersection between parenting and self-care. if you are to share space with a child, you must parent yourself with equal patience and kindness. this corner of the couch we will be making sure all are heard and attended to.

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