The person I'm learning to show up consistently for is myself. This is a journey I have found myself on at least two other times in my adulthood, and I have come to accept that I will probably be here again. Healing is like that. It comes in waves, you level up, and then it returns, later, inviting you to come up again, higher and higher.
I felt lots of guilt for not being in this space now that I am a full-time entrepreneur. Then I had a thought "Girl; you are still learning to show up for yourself consistently." So, I hope that I am modeling taking care of yourself, trusting yourself, knowing that what is meant for you will not miss you. After all, you can only fake the funk for so long before you burn out. Your mental health will take a toll, your relationships (including that with your children) will suffer. As you continue down that path, you will find yourself further away from your center, your soul. And there is not a thing worth losing alignment with your soul over. Come to center.
I just knew that my path of switching to working full-time on Krissy's Couch, I would be much more engaged in this space. Instead, it has been another lesson on surrender. When Juniper died, I learned to surrender in an entirely new way. For me, surrender became the spiritual practice that follows acceptance. Surrender says, where I am right now is of value to my journey. It's part of my purpose, and my job is to line up and take in the lesson available to me. My two oldest were supposed to be back to school this fall. Due to Covid and the high impact on children, their father and I decided to keep them home another year or until a vaccine became available to kids.
With that being said, I wasn't going to send the toddler to daycare either. I figured all of this would be fine. I would hire a nanny and get on with creating content. Well, after searching for over a month, it proved to be challenging to find someone at all, let alone the right fit. I accepted that I couldn't find someone, but I quickly became overwhelmed and frustrated that I couldn't work more and didn't have any help. Then I remembered, surrender. Surrender says, not only is this happening, but it is helping me draw closer to my soul's work. It is helping me heal something. It is calling me to evolve.
I had to ask myself...what purpose is this hurdle serving in my life? What is being asked of me? Let's see, in the past 2.5 years, my children and I have experienced significant trauma. I got married and legally separated (more trauma), plus we added a new little person to our lives, a huge adjustment. Surrender was inviting me to SIT DOWN, reflect, take account, and rebuild connection and trust with my children and myself. They need me right now, and I need myself now more than ever. There won't be a nanny; there will be long days of bonding activities and cuddles, museum visits, and walks around different parks in our city. We will watch movies in my bed and snuggle. I will reach out to a sitter for regular breaks as I need them. This is our time though, to strengthen our foundation, reimagine, recreate and rebuild.
What about the bills?!?! That was my immediate thought. I told the Universe, God, my ancestors, "Okay, I am lining up with the plan. I'm surrendering, so you have to provide if this is what I am supposed to be doing; you have to catch me." Wouldn't you know, our needs are provided. People continue to reach out to me for paid work, and Patrons over on Patreon continue to stick around despite my need to step away and care for myself and my children. What a gift, I'm grateful. What is meant for you will not miss you! And so I am resting, I am playing, I'm finding things that I love again. I frosted a cake for my daughter for the first time in 4 years; the thought alone makes me want to cry. I am learning all about the benefits of herbal medicine. I am arranging flowers, reading books, and Face Timing friends. All of this and I am provided for.
Over and over after Juniper died, I said bereaved parents need a year off from work to heal, to make room to grieve properly. I said it so many times, not realizing it was a prayer, and I was manifesting the desires of my heart. You are heard and cared for.
If there is one thing I hope that you take from this and that I am modeling, it is surrender and rest. Trust yourself, take care of yourself, and say your desires out loud. You are heard.